Contemplation
by Triskell
Summary: Yoda plays match-maker...again :D (story told from Obi's POV) - SLASH


Disclaimer: Georgie owns all – except for this story (evil laugh). No copyright infringement intended.

Strong allusions to SLASH. Don't like it, don't read.

**~*~ CONTEMPLATION ~*~****  
**© Triskell, May 2000

  
(Obi-Wan)  
  
I'm supposed to be sleeping. I had a long and tiring day, the three-year-olds are especially taxing when one's nerves are still raw from constant exhaustion after a long and complicated mission…  
  
But how can I rest, when my mind's in turmoil? Oh, not that it were something terrible or threatening that bothers me; it's the same simple, slightly disconcerting thought that haunts me every night and every day. If I give in to it for one moment only, it will grip me and drag my attention to it, away from the 'here and now' as my dear Master puts it.  
  
And what is it? Nothing, but "I love" - not merely "I'm in love" as it was a few years ago, but "I love" and I am lost. Not in a bad sense; I mean, how could losing my soul to a man like Qui-Gon Jinn positively be something bad? He is a hero I learned to respect when the first bout of worship had passed; a diplomat, a leader, a comforter, father or brother, a friend…sometimes even as carefree as a child…and I know all these sides of him.   
  
I know his faults, I know him, the man he is, I can accept, respect and understand him. And that is why I love him.  
  
A gradual change from veneration to infatuation to an affection that still manages to take my breath away, for I never thought myself capable of feeling such boundless, deep and heartfelt love before.  
  
Once again, my Master, great Jedi that he is, has taught me something entirely new, something I had believed impossible to achieve and find until then.   
  
I cannot help smiling at myself. I lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling that is illuminated by the milky gloom of the full moon…and the object of my love and desire is only separated from me by a few metres…and a door. A door that becomes an impenetrable wall? No, that's not true. There are other obstacles, by far more complicated to manoeuvre around than a mere door.  
  
"Feel, don't think" - if I really did that, if I took every lesson without questioning and lived solely by what I've been taught, to the word…then I'd probably be straddling my Master now, preferably naked, kissing and undressing him, forcing him to have me…seducing him.  
  
I know I could do it, could get up, slip through the door and quietly lie down beside him, touch him if I dared or wake him, asking him to make love to me. Yet I don't move. I consider, reconsider, think…  
  
Maybe I think too much. That is a part of Jedi training. One of the most important, I might add. Meditate on your problems, on whatever idea or wish you have and deep within you, you will find your answer. Simple, isn't it? Not really. What peace I have found until now, I achieved when I accepted loving my Master, the possibility of his returning my feelings, and that of his rejection.  
  
All meditated upon, and at the end of the day I was none the wiser. I haven't been able to say a word. So much would, could, should change. I have no wish to give up the close friendship I share with my Master, not when I need him most. I will push my questions and my desires away until I've been knighted… another few years until I take my first Padawan…and one day I'll wake up to find that my chance has passed me by.  
  
I'm too afraid of changes I guess. I fought so hard to be accepted by my Master, endeavoured to please him, to earn his trust and respect. And now that I have achieved all that, I'm weary. I just want to rest a little, secure in the knowledge that he cares for me and likes my company. That's a good basis for happiness. Not for perfect happiness or absolute contentment on my part, but then, what is "perfection"?  
  
I'm definitely in need of sleep. My thoughts travel along paths I don't like…I begin to fantasize again, dreaming of what I'll never have because I'm afraid to lose all that I am now so certain.  
  
I contemplate how my Master's hands would feel on my body, his lips on my own, how warm I would be in his arms and how much he would love… NO!   
  
I'm so sick of this longing and never acting upon my feelings. I get up, instinctively reaching for my robe to put over my thin sleep tunic…and I hesitate. What am I doing? Where am I going? Not to my Master, that much is painfully obvious, even through the haze of my sleep-deprived mind.  
  
I'm running away…running from my room, from the vicinity of the man I love, who is so close and yet can never be close enough. I slip into the corridor unnoticed, without waking my sleeping Master. One step at a time, I dimly realize I'm not wearing any shoes, the stone floor is cold beneath my bare feet and I revive somewhat. The meditation gardens are always a good and lonely spot to while away time. Or to think, or just to sit and drown in self-inflicted misery.  
  
~*~  
  
I sit by the huge fountain on the north side of the gardens. It's a fairly overgrown place, not properly cared for, a piece of wilderness for those nature enthusiasts like my Master who love the frantic tangle of shrubs and clinging roses. The scent is breathtaking, I must confess, and the complete missing of symmetry or a steadying hand is palpable and soothes my ragged nerves.  
  
I might drift off to sleep here, just let go of my feelings, let them rest with me for a little while…  
  
"Hmmm. Be here, you should not, young Padawan. Long past your bedtime, it is."   
  
If ever I have a heart attack, it will be because Yoda will come up to me from behind. I can far easier take bombs, surprise attacks…but not a little green creature, lost in the underbrush, creeping around noiselessly and startling the Sith hell out of me.  
  
Remembering that I haven't yet acknowledged his presence, I nod my head. Better to show him that I'm not already dozing or asleep. He's going to give me a sermon anyhow; there's exasperation apparent in his voice. He probably had as bad a day as I did.  
  
"Know you are here, your Master does? Counselled meditation, he has?"  
  
"No, Master Yoda. He is asleep…"  
  
"Hmmm. Asleep, he is. Why come here then, you have?"  
  
"I couldn't go to sleep."  
  
Oh, I can see even in the dim illumination that he is starting to be interested in the conversation. To the rescue - anyone! I'm not exactly in the state of mind where I can confront anyone, much less Yoda without splitting on myself, giving away something that had better remain hidden. Or not?   
  
"Talk to me, you can, young Obi-Wan."  
  
Ouch, great; now I've really got to pick up the shards of my thoughts and present them to the most powerful Jedi Master, a Council member even, on a silver plate. I wish I had stayed in bed.  
  
"It is nothing I wish to talk about, Master Yoda. Forgive me."  
  
"Nothing to forgive, there is! Not talk to your Master, you will, it seems. Not talk to me, you want. Hmm. Hard to solve, your problem must be."  
  
I feel really stupid. If I had to pick a moment in my life that shouldn't have happened it would be this one. Sitting side by side with Master Yoda on a cool, starry night, wrapped in my cloak and still cold, hearing the splashing of the water echo in the quiet haze of darkness - that's the stuff nightmares are made of.  
  
Not that I don't like Master Yoda - far from it. He's one of the few Council members I actually admire and respect - from a safe distance. He's kind and though he often disagrees with my Master he has never been unfair to him. But he is so very…perceptive. And he bothers too much about the well-being of those around him.   
  
A great character trait for a counsellor and mediator, a compassionate streak built on centuries of watching others suffer, yet totally insupportable when one is hurting and would rather pass up the opportunity to unburden one's heart…  
  
"Your Master, the problem is?"  
  
I guess now my eyes are wider open than when I'm awake! How in Sith's name did he figure that out? Am I that bad at shielding myself? Was it something I said? Or am I just reading too much into a logical conclusion because I wouldn't have had it myself?  
  
"Right, I am, I see. Good at guessing games, I always was."  
  
He chuckles. I amuse him. HELP! Someone save me! I amuse Master Yoda, that means he won't let me out of his grasp until he's settled my problem to his entire satisfaction. Take a deep breath and…focus. If this is to be the end of me, then I'll go down with the splendid glory of utter humiliation.   
  
"I love Master Jinn."  
  
Yes, I did it! I made a complete fool out of myself! And as I'm not quite sure if my feelings are not in some way or other against the passionless serenity preached by the Code; maybe I'll have to find myself another Master - or leave the order - now, that's a thought…  
  
"Make you nervous, I do. Why that is so, I ask?"  
  
"Because I've striven to hide my feelings for years and now I just blurt them out to a senior Council member, who might tell my Master, throw me out of the order, or tell me to abide by advice I can't follow."  
  
"Hmmm. Good point, you have, young Padawan. Why hide your feelings, you do?"  
  
I've already blown it. My life has changed irrevocably the moment I spoke of my love, so I can safely let it all out. If Master Yoda does have some pity on me, he will only try to keep me from talking about this to anyone else and never come close to me again.  
  
"For as long as I can remember I've tried…done all I could to make Master Jinn accept and respect me as his Padawan. Now we're so close, we work well together, we're even friends and when I tell him…we could never go back to being as we were. And I don't dare to let our relationship change in any way. I couldn't bear to lose him. Apart from that…what about the Council - there must be some rule in the Code against feelings of that kind…"  
  
"Hmmm. Nothing to say against love, the Code has. Neither the Council does. And your Master - laugh at you, he would not. Use you, he could not. Accept your feelings, he will."  
  
"And then? He will know I think of him, pine after him and that will alter all the carefully built trust and companionship…"  
  
"Hmmm. In your eyes, a great risk, a declaration would be."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Of course - well, I might be a bit hysterical - but… Now Master Yoda's soothing me mentally; do I really look that miserable and dejected? Do I really have that little control over my emotions? My breathing evens out. I hadn't noticed that it had quickened. And the funny thing is that I'm supposedly a Jedi Padawan who's learnt to keep his feelings in check.  
  
Mine just ran berserk with me and I made a show of completely and utterly foolish despair and idiocy in front of Master Yoda. I get up, bow deeply and try to keep my voice level,  
  
"I apologize, Master Yoda. My behaviour just now was unbecoming of a Jedi and I have brought great dishonour to myself in acting like this. If I might beg you to forget this incident, I will strive to make amends for this slip and meditate…"  
  
"Bah! Meditation, you need not! Nothing to excuse, there is! Tired and worn out, you are. Taxed, your forbearance is. Come with me, you will!"  
  
Did I just hear what I think I heard? He isn't going to reprimand me at all? I pad along behind him, leaving the gardens. It's hard to believe that I'm not in disgrace forever after this lack of…everything that ought to make me a Jedi.  
  
~*~  
  
"Sleep here, you will. Discuss this matter tomorrow, we will."  
  
I nod and settle down on the creaking bed, accepting the blanket and pillow Master Yoda hands me. I'm going to spend the night in his quarters, sleeping in a room that looks suspiciously like a Padawan's - maybe it was Qui-Gon's. I sigh quietly, cutting off this train of thought at once. Wow, did I really think I could gather up the shards of my pride and leave it at that? I guess not.   
  
And, strange though it may seem, I feel safe and comforted here, with this little creature. Maybe it was meant to be…my sitting in the gardens, he joining me, my slip of control and now this. The Force moves in strange ways sometimes.  
  
~*~  
  
I wake up feeling a great deal better than I can remember feeling in a long time. Might have been that heavy Force suggestion. It was like a drug keeping my mind in check. I didn't think, I just fell and slept like a dead man.  
  
"Ah. Awake you are. Good. Talk about your Master we will."  
  
My Master! I jump up, barely aware of the blankets that tangle round my feet. I catch myself on the edge of a table before toppling over.  
  
"I should…he'll be worried, I must tell…"  
  
"Know where you are, he does. Worried he is, yes. Told him I am counselling you, I have."  
  
Oh dear. Counselling me - now that will surely worry him. Either he'll take it at face value and think I've got some kind of mental problem or he'll just feel sorry for me as one of those creatures who has failed to run when confronted with Yoda's exaggerated sense of helpfulness. Since it's him, I suspect the former.  
  
"Take some tea, you will. Tell me about Qui-Gon, you must."  
  
"Well, thank you," I accept the cup with the strong spicy liquid, "I'm not quite sure what you'd like to hear."  
  
"Why love him, you do?"  
  
If that's all, nothing easier than that - can I have the whole day or should I sum it up? I grin.  
  
"For the man he is. For every weakness he's let me see, for every smile, every word of praise. I love him for giving me his trust, for his warmth and his kindness. I…just love him. Completely."  
  
"Pledged yourself to him, you have?"  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"Give him your heart, body and soul you would, yes?"  
  
"Certainly."  
  
There's not a moment's hesitation there. Is it that easy? It's no more than the truth but it suddenly seems enormous to me. I can't believe that I love Qui-Gon that much.  
  
"Understand your predicament, I do. Afraid to lose your friend, you are. But need his love, you do. Hmm. Difficult that is."  
  
The shrewd look in Yoda's eyes is enough to make me wary. He chuckles suddenly and pats my arm.  
  
"Take a shower, you will. Settle this problem we will afterwards."  
  
I just nod, as I stand and walk into the tiny bathroom. The shower is perfectly adapted to human standards. Probably a remnant of Qui-Gon's apprenticeship…  
  
~*~  
  
I feel clean and invigorated when I come from the shower; but the moment I return to the living room I tense. Sitting on the couch, beside Master Yoda is Qui-Gon. Ouch, that won't be pleasant.  
  
"Ah, young Obi-Wan. Sit down here, you must."  
  
He pats the couch on his other side. At least I won't have to sit beside my Master, I'm not sure I could stand his closeness right now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to again. Not after my confession to Yoda last night anyway.  
  
So I sit down. I'm calm, I'm prepared. I'll have to tell Qui-Gon what I feel. It might be hard, but I can't get around it, not anymore. Somehow I feel like I were an offering to Yoda, the God of Meddling.  
  
"So, comfortable we are, yes?"  
  
Oh no, he's enjoying this far too much for anything good to come of it!  
  
"Would you kindly explain to me why you told me that my Padawan was in a consumption and required my immediate attendance?"  
  
Consumption? Sith hells, the only thing that could be called consuming is my love for Qui-Gon and…oops, I guess that's it then - Master Yoda's twisted sense of humour.   
  
"I'm not in a…I'm fine, really Master!" I protest weakly.   
  
He smiles at me, and then looks sternly at the little green creature sitting between us. The ancient Jedi Master who is chuckling merrily, gazing first to me, then to Qui-Gon and back again, his eyes sparkling.  
  
"Hmm. Protest he is fine, he does. Yes. Leave it at that you will, Qui-Gon?" Yoda is almost doubling over with mirth now.  
  
"I…Obi-Wan, we'll return to our quarters to talk."  
  
"Talk? Hmm, solve the problem, this will not! Bed I suggest - together!" cackling and still shaking with laughter, the ancient Master jumps off the sofa and shuffles out of his living-room. The sound of his amused chuckling doesn't break off, however.  
  
I guess I'm really in it for now. And I must be blushing furiously. At least my face is all hot. I cast a glance at Qui-Gon from beneath lowered lashes and see plain confusion on his face and…a faint touch of colour…  
  
"Master?" I try, tentatively.  
  
"What in Sith's name was that, Obi-Wan?"  
  
"I…"  
  
"Kiss each other you will! Now! Tired of this, I am. Get together you will! Insist, I do!" a slightly hoarse voice cries from behind us, making us jump.  
  
Great, so much for delicacy in this matter…and now I feel Yoda's mind touch knocking on my shields, Qui-Gon's eyes are a study in annoyance, so I suppose the old troll is doing the same to him.  
  
"Open up these shields, you must. Both of you! Need help with everything, you do? Arrange your sex life, I will not!"  
  
Qui-Gon looks at me, slightly exasperated, "He won't stop…sorry."   
  
And he lets down his shields. If not for my Jedi training I'd have ravished him where he sits. He loves me! And not only that… I give him a mock growl as I relinquish all semblance of control on my feelings - blast my insecurities. I don't care if he sees them, not anymore.   
  
"Work it out in YOUR quarters, you will!" Yoda is adamant. He shoos us out of his rooms with his stick now, and I would really like to say something to him, but I can't think of anything, and Qui-Gon's touch in my mind is just too tempting…  
  
"And practise your shielding carefully, you will. Council meeting in two days there is. Acknowledge your bond, you will!"  
  
With that, the door is slammed into our faces. I can't believe that that last half hour happened! Qui-Gon takes my hand and drags me across the corridors; we look totally un-Jedi like. Since my Master is the one setting the example in this, I give in. At least I won't bring disgrace to him this time…  
  
As for thoughts…they are beyond me. There's so much in my mind - images, desires, emotions and I'm totally turned on.  
  
"Concentrate on the here and now, Padawan!" a voice in my head insists.  
  
Oh, well, I can do that…the here - our quarters, the now - an incendiary kiss and the moment - extending as I sink into my lover's arms…  
  
  
The End.


End file.
